How to stay on your side of the net (and what does it mean)

I love listening to podcasts on couples therapy. There is something about the rebuilding process after the turmoil (call it the affair, the betrayal, the dismissal, you name it) that is so incredibly interesting to me. I listen to the questions that the therapists ask, the techniques that are applied, and the reactions from the patients. Sometimes the patients speak directly to the therapists, but often the therapists make it a point that the couple speaks to each other.

As an observer with almost a clinical intent, I pay attention to the language that the couple uses. It does not take long until someone says something along the lines of “I feel like you have become distant”. There it is: the attribution. One sentence, yet an entire invasion. And the worst part is that it is mascaraed after the innocent and often well-received “feel” queue. Actually, no. The worst part is when the person who made that statement is surprised by how the recipient got offended. How did we get into this mess?

Let’s set the record straight. That is not a feeling. That is an opinion. Throughout the next lines, I’ll share what I’ve learnt on how to improve that feedback process for your sake and the other person’s sake -aka: stay on your side of the net.

Only you know your needs, intentions, desires and motivations, right? If I am observing how you are behaving, unless I have the capacity to read your mind (in which case, that would be my full-time job), I have zero access whatsoever to what drives you. I know what you might be thinking: “what if the other person has told me about their intentions?”. That’s a great point. And that’s also a behavior. The behavior is public and is known to both parties. What is not known to you is the effect that your behavior had on the other person -regardless of your needs, intentions, desires and motivations. The other person is the expert on that area, just as you are the expert on what drives you.    

When we move away from our area of expertise (sharing how others impact us) to the others’ expertise (their motives, intentions, etc.) interpersonal learning gets distorted. This is what it’s often referred to as “crossing the net”: it’s crossing from my area of expertise to your area of expertise. If you were on the shoes of the person that is being called “distant”, how would you feel? It’s not great when someone makes a statement about our personality. I know I would get defensive.

So, how can we move forward?

A crucial skill to develop is to recognize when we are doing this. Because we all do it. Attribution-based feedback is a normal part of our cognitive process; it is how we make sense of the world. Catching ourselves making these types of opinions is important so as to understand if we actually wanted to say that or not. This is an invitation to look inwards and practice recognizing and identifying our own feelings. “I feel rejected” could have been a feelings-based statement. And the beauty of this is that when you stick to your feelings (that is to say, the impact that the behavior had on you) there is little room for debate. There can be acknowledgement and explanation, but your feelings and reactions are not up for debate.

Another important skill is to learn the language to navigate the delicate balance between how something has affected us and what we think the other person is experiencing. This requires leaving your judgement at the door and allowing for curiosity to be on the driver’s seat. Otherwise, we are just being condescending with the other person. I’ll run the risk of sharing what I use to face a conversation of this nature. After much reflection about what happened and how I felt, if I believe there is an explanation I would frame it under what is the story in my head and where I am coming from (that is to say, sharing about my own personal background that led me to such interpretation of events).

I cannot emphasize this more: staying on our side of the net takes practice. And even with extensive practice, there will be situations that will not be our finest moments. In fact, we might be left feeling exposed and reconsidering this entire thing. But it is so rewarding to be able to share how we are feeling without turning the conversation into a minefield that I can assure you it is worth the practice.  

With care,
Julieta

PS: this article has been inspired by “The Interpersonal Dynamics Reader” by David L. Bradford & Mary Ann Huckabay.

Palo Alto, California, October 2022