A (not so) secret about our impact on others
We’ve all been there. We tell the same joke, and one group of friends bursts in laughter and the other one barely finds it funny. You are left pondering, “did I tell it right?”, “maybe I missed something”, “maybe they do not have a great sense of humor”, or even worse “I might not be that funny after all”. The implication of this thought process is twofold. First, we over index on our negative experiences (we are not going to talk about that now). But second, this is a clear example where we place all the attention on ourselves or the other person and what we could have done differently in the search of that positive reinforcement.
That second implication is what often takes us down the rabbit hole. We ruminate incessantly about what went wrong, why, what was going on that led to that outcome, and everything in between. We are constantly looking through the rearview mirror, dissecting every little detail to find meaning in the best of scenarios, and to place blame in the worst of scenarios. One of my favorite confusions on this topic comes from the direct association that we make between our intentions (which, for sure, were pure and wholehearted) and the outcome. It is complex to grasp that two opposing things can be true: we could have had the best of intentions, and yet the outcome could not have been worse. The lack of acknowledgement of this complexity often gets us into trouble. In all that time spent looking through the rearview mirror, we miss that there is an opportunity to take the real-time feedback, course-correct, and move on.
In sum: being aware that something that you said or did can have different (and sometimes opposing) impact on different people is a crucial datapoint for decision making that reduces the surprise factor. When we allow for the space between our expectation and the reality of how things went, we save time and energy, we spare ourselves negative emotions, we do not take it personally, and we have the opportunity to repair real-time whatever was teared.
Additionally, when we are associating impact with influence, it is important to recognize that influence requires reciprocity, and that you cannot influence everyone equally and with the same “intensity”. Everyone has their own set of values, their own criteria, and their own internal compass. There is no one-size-fits-all recipe to follow to be influential (I’m assuming, in a positive way) to everyone.
In a perfect world, you would be able to know what other people’s criteria are to be influenced. And, based on that, you would be able to freely decide if you even want to be a contestant in that game. But this is not a perfect world. So, for now, let this sink in: “what you say or do can have a totally different impact on people. And, in general, it has nothing to do with you, and it has everything to do with them.” Once you are able to internalize this, you will realize that all the time you spend coming out of shock can actually be used to adjust your approach and focus on what’s next on the agenda.
This sounds easy. So, what’s the catch? Well, the catch is that even though it might sound easy, it’s not. It takes profound humility to put this into practice. It requires a willingness to step back, detach from the immediate sting of unexpected outcomes, and genuinely reflect on how you can make it work. So, the next time you find yourself caught in the loop of over-analysis, ask:
What belongs to me and what doesn’t?
How can I use that insight to advance the conversation?
What can I learn from this, and how can I use it to show up better next time?
With humility,
Julieta
La Ventana, BCS, Mexico, 2024
